Judy

I know what you're thinking, 2 blogs in one day...this girl has no life. Not quite true. I do have a life, I just never said it was always so exciting. The truth is, I am sitting here in the lab waiting for a subject and decided to proofread a paper I just wrote. Even though I wrote this paper, it may have been the first time I evaluated it's contents in reference to the world. Yes, i've thought critically about the articles I researched, the results they found, and the subsequent interpretations, but sometimes when you have your "work" hat on you are more occupied with meeting the requirements and making sure it is complete and makes sense rather than actually digesting the message. This particular paper of mine has to do with the role of group exercise on self-efficacy and enjoyment in persons with social physique anxiety (SPA). While this may be of no interest to you- it should be.

We are constantly surrounded by people, and whether we want to admit it or not, many times we are making judgments about others or perceiving others to be doing the same about us. While this may be natural and harmless it can spiral out of control for certain people and debilitate them. The thought that someone might not want to go out, or go do an exercise activity- not because they aren't motivated or because they don't want to work hard- but because they are afraid of what they look like in front of others...that's just preposterous right?! If you think so, then you are lucky. Chances are you haven't let the pressures surrounding us through media and other sources affect how you feel about yourself. I can't say that I am one of these lucky ones. I wouldn't say my entire life, but my entire athletic life (dating back to around 8 years old when things become more competitive) has been centered around comparisons with others. Am I faster than that person? Is she better at my position? Is she more fit than I am? Did I do as well on that test? Nearly two decades of my life have been spent comparing myself with others in achievement domains. While comparison with others has been shown to be an extremely important factor in motivation, like anything, too much is never good- and how you interpret and internalize those comparisons is extremely important. If recognizing that someone just beat you in a race only motivates you to work harder on your speed then comparisons are vital to success. However, if losing in a race translates into you being worthless, lazy, and unmotivated- comparisons can be haunting. I've bordered this fine line all my life when comparing myself to others...often finding myself on the haunting side. While comparing myself with others always motivated me, it deflated me all at the same time. I was never smart enough, never thin enough- never good enough. These are what I like to call toxic thoughts. Unfortunately, there's no magic pill that will help flush them from your system. It takes a conscious effort to shift the meaning you assign to thoughts in order to shift the thoughts in your head and the feelings those thoughts evoke. Some people would be surprised to know this about me because I come off as a fairly confident individual. It has taken a lot of work and self-reflection to help me climb back to the other side of that line. Playing college soccer was the most incredible experience of my life- incredible and incredibly draining, both mentally and physically. It wasn't until I started playing college soccer that I realized how much confidence, body issues, SPA, and other things surround elite athletes. I thought I was the only one. Growing up I was always a good athlete but always felt like I fell short because of one main reason... NOT because I didn't think i was as skilled, definitely NOT because I didn't think I would work the hardest.... but because I was never what I considered to be "thin". Can you imagine that nonsense. THAT single thought was the reason I never thought I was, would be, or could be, or perceived to be by others, as good as other players. I learned in college that these issues aren't uncommon. Playing college soccer is one of the most physically challenging things i've endured because of the intensity of the training and games and also because of the intensity of the schedule. Instead of taking a step back and thinking "wow, look what I am doing" or "look what i've endured" I became more preoccupied with comparing myself with others. I hit the gym....always. I felt immense guilt if I didn't get an extra workout in that day. Worst of all, I became one of those people who exercised because they "had to" and not because they want to. The one thing I never let my comparisons do is stop me from going. Even if I thought every single person in that yoga class was staring at my big butt, I endured the embarrassment and went (but likely set my mat up at the back of the class). Needless to say, this is not the way I wanted to live my life. It's been an uphill battle, with many mudslides setting me back. But I always trudge forward through the mud and the mess. Even though I still place an immense amount of personal pressure on myself (I am working on this) and I am still working on the guilt of missing a workout, I can honestly say that I am at a place where I truly enjoy working out (except running...I still don't enjoy it but every time I lace up my shoes I tell myself- this is the day I might not hate it). I think this is a testament to what can happen when you focus on your strengths and stop mistaking other's strengths for your weaknesses just because you aren't as "strong" in that area.
I have become so invested in not only being a better me, but also in the issues that we all face as a result of an overstimulated, over-polluted world that tells us what we should look like. Unfortunately, most of this pressure is placed on women and what's even worse is women are usually the biggest critics of other women. Writing this paper has reiterated to me just how powerful our mind is and how it can deeply affect our everyday lives. No one should fear doing something good for themselves because of the way they look or the way others around them look. In the same regard, no one should do what they don't want to do simply because it may help them to look like what others look like. You can change the outside all you want, but the thoughts- those toxic thoughts- will always poison your true happiness.

It's so important that these issues be addressed- especially with our young people. A shift in the way we view "beauty" and "health" needs to happen and it starts by accepting yourself and others...as they are.

Unless your name is Judy....don't judge.