The Relationship Name-Changer

To change or not to change? That is the question.

As a recently married woman, i've been asked several times, "Are you going to change your name?" It is a fairly common question that people ask however, if you think about it, how common is it to decipher whether to change your name? I mean, we're not talking about your address, or your hair, i'm talking YOUR NAME. Your name. The name you've been called since birth. In some essence, your identity.

Across religions, across traditions, across the world, there is not one universal way to answer that question. In some cutlures you must change your name, in others, you must not. But what about those of us who are living a culture that affords us the ability to choose?

Not to jump all over the male species, but, this is another reason that makes me believe that men are forever indebted to us. Not only do we grow human beings inside of us and then labour them out (Think about that guys... you may think you have a lot of great qualities but WE GROW HUMANS INSIDE OF US. We win. Eternally.) but we also, in many  cases, change our names and take yours. And if that's not bad enough, the icing on the cake is the paper work. What you actually have to go through to legally change your name warrants eternal praise and gifts.

I often say to my husband, can you imagine one day not being Matt McChesney? Is that not weird??! He agrees but I don't think he'll ever get the magnitude of it's strangeness. If the tables were turned, I don't think men would do it.

The reason why I think it is such a bigger decision these days is because we aren't 18 or 20 when we get married today. We aren't going from our parents house to our husbands house and we aren't coming with just a birth certificate and perhaps a drivers license with our name on it. I have lived as a Scorniaenchi for nearly THIRTY YEARS! It is the name on all of my diplomas, I have publications with that name, I have a business under that name, so forgive me if the eagerness to change my name in the name of love isn't up to standard. Since being married I have also had several people say that they cannot believe I am giving up my name. Some reasoning has to do with my very independent nature but some reasoning has to do with the mere fact that Scorniaenchi is the kind of name that sort of defines you. I was Jen Score, Score, Scorniyanks, etc... my whole life and now what? I just won't have that name??? It is SO weird.

I am guessing that by now you have probably come to the conclusion that I am not in favour of changing your name and won't be. Well, you would be wrong. Sort of. I have decided to keep Scorniaenchi for my professional career but over-time, I will, in part, become a McChesney.

Even though the idea of being Jennifer McChesney (how will anyone ever know I am Italian?!?!) still feels very weird to me, the thought of sharing the same name with my kids is enough to make me want to get used to it.. that and the option to hyphenate might be a case for child-abuse. I probably won't get tired of spelling my name out for people but I will certainly miss the intrigue (and panic) that comes over people when they see it and try to say it.

Making the transition isn't easy and won't happen over night. I often repeat my new name to myself and think- who is Jennifer McChesney? I know most people would say... YOU don't change, just your name does. This is true however, I also look at this as an opportunity to re-invent yourself, to a certain degree. When I think of the name McChesney I think of Matt and his family who are so kind, calm, sweet, loving, understanding, smart, relaxed, etc... I can only hope that by adopting their name gives me the chance to be more like that. Who knows, maybe Jennifer McChesney is a way nicer person. Just kidding (sort of).

Is Your "Other" Significant?

I am getting married this year. As it should be, this is much more than just a wedding to us, it's a marriage. Something not to be taken lightly but something that should also feel like a natural and exciting step for a couple. In order to get married in the catholic church we are required to take a marriage preparation course. I think we were both apprehensive about it; myself because I was unsure what would be asked of us and Matt because he is not Catholic. We have just completed our course and were pleasantly surprised by our experience. It really had nothing to do with religion and had everything to do with us as a couple. It forced us to look at the areas of our relationship that we could stand to discuss further and those areas in which we were agreeable or highly "compatible". A few areas that really stood out to me were our:

• core values
• friends and interests
• relationship with each others families

Talking about these topics in depth really enabled me to appreciate the things that truly are important in finding someone that you want to navigate the rest of your life with. Even when things are tough or one or both of you aren't being your greatest selves, these are the things that help you through and remind you why the good is worth enduring the bad.

CORE VALUES

One thing that was evidently clear to us was, that while we have had to learn to compromise and improve on a lot of things in order to better operate as a unit, neither of us have had to compromise on who we are and what we stand for. When I think back to any boyfriend or girlfriend of friends or family that just didn't sit well with me for some reason (and I am sure this holds true for them, for me) I know for sure the reason is because they changed who they were to suit this person. I just hated to see someone become the shell of the person they used to be for someone else.

Changing who you are is never a compromise you should have to make. Ever. 

Sometimes we get in too deep and, as they say- blind, and cannot see how far we've drifted from who we used to be. The right person for you is one that accepts you for who you are- inside and out and appreciates all that you are- ESPECIALLY those things that they are not. This is not to say that there aren't some behaviours that won't go unchanged- that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about who you are- at your core.

I am no relationship expert but I consider myself to be highly intuitive... it is a definite RED FLAG if any of your trusted friends or family members are telling you that you have changed since dating someone. I know the immediate instinct is to get defensive and angry, but if you are faced with this, I urge you to do some introspection. These people would not lie to you.

RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS 

Along with our core values, friends and interests and relationship with each others' families were areas of high importance to us- together and separately. To us, respecting and valuing each others groups of friends and families and doing our best to try to integrate ourselves into each others friends and families is very important to us. At the same time, "my time" with my friends/family and "your time" with your friends/family is also important and sacred.

There are always going to be times when you don't really want to go somewhere or do something because maybe it's not YOUR group of friends or YOUR family or you aren't going to know many people... BUT YOU JUST DO IT. Because it's important to your significant other. Because that is what you do. Because that is how you merge lives. Because that is how you show you care. Because those are the things that, down the road, will matter. As Woody Allen once said "80% of life is SHOWING UP."

My family is notorious for using any little excuse to get together to celebrate something or have a dinner or a lunch or coffee. At first, I used to apologize to Matt for it because I thought it might be overwhelming. It wasn't long before Matt was telling me to stop apologizing and even on many occasions, when I couldn't make certain events, he would be there without me, no questions asked- not because he HAD to be, but because he wanted to be... and on those days where maybe he didn't really want to be, he knew that showing up is just what family does. That's one of our core values.

I know this isn't always as clear cut as I am about to make it seem but again, another definite RED FLAG is if your family (who has typically always gotten along very well with significant others in the past and are generally well-liked people) don't have a good relationship or feeling about your partner. I'd like to think i'm hard-ass enough to say that I could date someone that my family didn't like but that is a complete and utter lie. I trust my families judgment. They are all very normal, nice, non-judgemental, well-rounded people and if they are saying something is off... I need to take a closer look. Family relationships, as I said earlier, as one of my core values, is too important to gamble with. Right now, disconnecting from your family out of spite might feel ok but think about that becoming permanent. If family is as important to you as it is to me- that is a road you don't want to go down.

Some good questions we were told to ask ourselves when self-reflecting....

• Do you rarely see your friends any more? 
• Do you rarely see your family any more? 
• Do you generally have less fun or are you less social than you used to?
• Would people say that you have changed?
• Do you feel like you have to make excuses for yourself or your significant other?
• Are you absent from a lot of things you normally would not have been?

If you aren't sure. Ask your best friend. Ask your brother or sister. They will tell you the truth. But only ask if you are prepared to hear the truth. And actually HEAR it.

Your "other half" isn't just someone who is significant in your eyes, others should see at least a glimpse too. Moreover, while it's important to see their significance, it is just as critical that they make you feel significant in your own right.