Figure Problems

I came across this poem written by a recovered eating disorder patient. I think it is remarkable and felt that I had to share it.

Figure Problems- Allison Joseph

Our eyes are trained to search
for flaws, to see our bodies
as problems that must be solved-

thighs too heavy, ankles too weak,
hips too wide to suit an ideal we did not create;
trained to see each body part is fundamentally
troubled, astray.

We learn to conceal, not reveal, not to show
the weaknessess each magazine cover
prompts us to hide, shrouding
or starving ourselves submissive.

What if we were to disregard
the slogans that keep us indoors,
to shun the shame that marks us imperfect,

using our bodies as we please,
pleasure more important now,
more necessary than perfection,

our senses stirred as we walk outside,
moving thighs and hips however we want,
moving forward in steady rhythmic motion,

feeling power deep in calves, knees, arms,
pushing as if against current, yet still mobile,
aware of the air we breathe,
the persistent throb of our heart, pulse.

What if our bodies were ours to master,
not the province of pills or diet shakes;
our own machines to use however we wanted,
with variations here and there,

room for the slim and the curved
the angular and the heavy,
each one of us pushing the other
on, not holding anyone back.

Fun Female Seeks...

Oddly enough, I was inspired to write this blog after grabbing a handful of kashi go lean and closing the box last night. My entire family has a problem with not properly closing bags/boxes of food to maintain freshness- I am no exception. My boyfriend's family on the other hand is the pillar of freshness and almost all of their food items have their own "chip clips" sealing their contents. After I grabbed my handful and sat down to watch t.v- a online dating commerical was playing.

Every time I see a commercial for Match.com or Eharmony I always think to myself- what would my profile look like? What would I be looking for in another person? What do I find attractive?

The more answers, characteristics, and descriptors that came to mind, the more I realized how much I have changed since my younger years- and thank god for that.
In the word's of my dear friend Stacy- "when you're young, you're stupid."

I have never considered myself to be superficial but the more and more I thought about what the younger Jen would have said if she were being COMPLETELY honest- it became increasingly aware that I was certainly not looking too deep. I think a lot of people are like this and afraid to admit it because of the way it makes them sound or look. Get off of it. We were all idiots at some point and hopefully you've grown out of it by now. If you have not, you might want to seriously consider what is truly important in another person. Are you saying that "nice, honest, fun, dependable" are the most important things when really you dismiss those who may have those qualities because of they way they look or dress or may be perceived by others? The old Jen would have said "no way" to which the new Jen would reply "You're a dumb-dumb liar."

In saying that, if I am being completely honest, here is what my "list of preferred requirements" might have read when I was younger (please reserve your judgment until you too make your "completely honest" list)

Athletic
Good-Looking (if i'm being completely honest, i would have probably written "hot")
Funny
Nice
Tall (at least 6ft)
Muscular build (enough to make me look tiny but not so much that you look like a juice-head gorilla)
Abs that I can visibly count is a bonus
Nice teeth
Nice hands
Good Dresser- absolutely no cargo jeans or jeans with running shoes (like real shoes for running- i.e new balance), wears appropriate socks
Well groomed
Mildy smart
Shows signs of promise and ambition
Can drive
Can talk on the phone
Has a cool talent like plays the guitar
Non-smoker
Is impressive to my friends (i.e they too think he is hot)

That pretty much sums it up. I'm embarrassed just having typed that.

However, having matured, gone through life-experiences, and even dated a couple of these "gems", my list has drastically changed. Not only is it much more specific but it really is shocking to me what I truly have come to value in someone.

So, if I were to create a profile on one of these sites NOW, this is what it might look like:

Looking for someone who:

Is Smart
Is Motivated and Ambitious- by nature
Makes me laugh
Is Passionate about something
Is Considerate
I am attracted to (probably because they possess some of these qualities)
Has a good relationship with his family
Knows the difference between there, their, and they're
Makes the reservation, books the flight, organizes the party, etc... some of the time
Is healthy and active and can at least lift me off the ground
Is nice to me and my friends
Wants to be active with me
Listens
Writes things downs so he remembers them
Makes an effort to see me
Knows how to do laundry
Can save money but also knows when to spend it
Doesn't need to be babysat
Owns a nice suit
Eats fruits and vegetables willingly
Doesn't start fights when drunk
Is a Non smoker
Will flag a cab down even though it's only a 15 minute walk because he sees im in heels
Looks in the fridge before he asks me if we have pickles
Wants to provide even though he knows I can provide for myself
Knows the difference between messy and dirty
Has a desire to learn- about all different things
Isn't overly jealous
Puts up with me
Is a good human being


My oh my how things change.

I am pretty sure that I would yield "no matches" as that is a pretty demanding list; and while I'm willing to compromise on certain things, I am not willing to settle. If you know who you are and are truly honest with what you want and need, you will never have to settle.

I think it is no coincidence that as soon as my "ideals" started to shift, I found a guy who was perfect for me. Not perfect. Perfect for me. And not because he looks a certain way or does a certain thing for a living, but because he IS a certain way.
He not only possesses what I consider to be my "big hitter" qualities but he certainly does his best at the little ones.

It is true that you do start to appreciate the little things more and more as you get older and that became increasingly salient to me last night as I neatly and securely folded the inside bag of my cereal box and closed the tab at the top. I couldn't help but think- Matt, would totally appreciate this!

I'll Be Back...

Oh those famous words once uttered from the once-beloved Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Sometimes when I lose my way in life, I feel like my mind always know's that "i'll be back" or "i'll get back" but sometimes it is just so hard to have that optimistic thinking- especially when you are constantly re-playing negative past moments. About a year or so ago, I became much more aware of perhaps the most ill-serving quality or habit that I possess- ruminating. I have spent more time ruminating about things that have happened in the past than I would like to admit. But let's say a lot. Like a lot a lot. Like so much so that I think if I were a superhero I would be deemed "The Ruminator" with my special powers being the ability to spend countless hours focusing on bad feelings and experiences from the past- not so super or heroic.

In case you were wondering, rumination is a way of responding to distress that involves repetitively (and passively) focusing on the symptoms of distress, and on its possible causes and consequences. It is similar to worry except rumination focuses on bad feelings and experiences from the past, whereas worry is concerned over potential bad events in the future.

Having realized this about myself, I said to myself "cut this shit out"- when that didn't work- I realized it would have to be a more strategic and often intervention.
First thing's first- I had to start employing the skills I teach to others- like thought stopping or intentional thinking. When my mind wants to dwell on something that happened- I have a plan in how I respond. Sometimes it's as simple as saying "STOP!" in mind. It's not an easy thing to do- especially when the negative experiences bring about negative or powerful emotions. The key, for me, and for others, is to acknowledge that it is out of your control now, accept that it happened, and identify something positive or neutral that has come of it. Then you can move forward- to the present. These types of skills and strategies are ones that need to be practiced and implemented on a daily basis- it's not a quick fix. I can say that although to some they may seem like subtle changes, I do feel like I have become much better at "letting it go"- whatever "it" may be. This is partly due to the fact that I have great people around me that not only listen to me, but bring me the joy that is needed to enjoy the moment and look ahead.

Like any self-improvement strategy, it takes time and there will always be set backs- but once you experience (even if only for one day) how good it feels to emotionally detach from something and move forward, you will always continue to work at it.

One thing is for certain, I am not going back to where I was... so I guess then, "I won't be back?"

Happy Place

"Go to your Happy Place" just one of the many classic quotes from the classic film Happy Gilmour which happened to be on t.v the other day. After I stopped laughing, I got to thinking- what's my "happy place?" Unfortunately, I kept coming back to a visual of a perfectly toned and tanned version of myself on a beach somewhere incredible. Happy place- absolutely! Realistic- well I used the word "perfectly" in there so clearly NO! An easily accessible happy place? Not so much. I thought, how can your happy place be somewhere you can't even get to? I started to try to think closer to home. My boyfriends cottage- a blissful haven. That too is a happy place. But again, not somewhere I can access whenever I want. Damn. Strike 2. My third happy place- again closer to home, would be my bed because I love sleep and don't get much, but if I were to retreat to that as my happy place every time I needed a break from things I may never emerge from it. Well, strike 3.

I then realized that my only option would be to understand exactly WHAT makes these places my "happy place" and try to recreate those elements when I need to get away.

1. No time contraints.
2. Nowhere to be.
3. No work to do.
4. Minimal thinking.
5. Sleep.
6. Quiet.
7. Afternoon drinking without judgement.
8. Unconventional means of exercise.
9. Warmth (i really really really love the sun, and summer, the beach, ocean, islands, etc....)

After looking at my list I realized how hard it would be to create a "happy place" or even a "happy moment" if I keep as busy as I am. Re-prioritizing and learning to say NO just may be my first steps towards creating my every day happy place.

So, just as life is a journey, not a destination, perhaps our "happy place" too requires a series of steps on a journey towards it.... unless I win the lottery, in which case you will find me at my "happy place" during "happy hour" at the pool bar every other month.