Fun Female Seeks...

Oddly enough, I was inspired to write this blog after grabbing a handful of kashi go lean and closing the box last night. My entire family has a problem with not properly closing bags/boxes of food to maintain freshness- I am no exception. My boyfriend's family on the other hand is the pillar of freshness and almost all of their food items have their own "chip clips" sealing their contents. After I grabbed my handful and sat down to watch t.v- a online dating commerical was playing.

Every time I see a commercial for Match.com or Eharmony I always think to myself- what would my profile look like? What would I be looking for in another person? What do I find attractive?

The more answers, characteristics, and descriptors that came to mind, the more I realized how much I have changed since my younger years- and thank god for that.
In the word's of my dear friend Stacy- "when you're young, you're stupid."

I have never considered myself to be superficial but the more and more I thought about what the younger Jen would have said if she were being COMPLETELY honest- it became increasingly aware that I was certainly not looking too deep. I think a lot of people are like this and afraid to admit it because of the way it makes them sound or look. Get off of it. We were all idiots at some point and hopefully you've grown out of it by now. If you have not, you might want to seriously consider what is truly important in another person. Are you saying that "nice, honest, fun, dependable" are the most important things when really you dismiss those who may have those qualities because of they way they look or dress or may be perceived by others? The old Jen would have said "no way" to which the new Jen would reply "You're a dumb-dumb liar."

In saying that, if I am being completely honest, here is what my "list of preferred requirements" might have read when I was younger (please reserve your judgment until you too make your "completely honest" list)

Athletic
Good-Looking (if i'm being completely honest, i would have probably written "hot")
Funny
Nice
Tall (at least 6ft)
Muscular build (enough to make me look tiny but not so much that you look like a juice-head gorilla)
Abs that I can visibly count is a bonus
Nice teeth
Nice hands
Good Dresser- absolutely no cargo jeans or jeans with running shoes (like real shoes for running- i.e new balance), wears appropriate socks
Well groomed
Mildy smart
Shows signs of promise and ambition
Can drive
Can talk on the phone
Has a cool talent like plays the guitar
Non-smoker
Is impressive to my friends (i.e they too think he is hot)

That pretty much sums it up. I'm embarrassed just having typed that.

However, having matured, gone through life-experiences, and even dated a couple of these "gems", my list has drastically changed. Not only is it much more specific but it really is shocking to me what I truly have come to value in someone.

So, if I were to create a profile on one of these sites NOW, this is what it might look like:

Looking for someone who:

Is Smart
Is Motivated and Ambitious- by nature
Makes me laugh
Is Passionate about something
Is Considerate
I am attracted to (probably because they possess some of these qualities)
Has a good relationship with his family
Knows the difference between there, their, and they're
Makes the reservation, books the flight, organizes the party, etc... some of the time
Is healthy and active and can at least lift me off the ground
Is nice to me and my friends
Wants to be active with me
Listens
Writes things downs so he remembers them
Makes an effort to see me
Knows how to do laundry
Can save money but also knows when to spend it
Doesn't need to be babysat
Owns a nice suit
Eats fruits and vegetables willingly
Doesn't start fights when drunk
Is a Non smoker
Will flag a cab down even though it's only a 15 minute walk because he sees im in heels
Looks in the fridge before he asks me if we have pickles
Wants to provide even though he knows I can provide for myself
Knows the difference between messy and dirty
Has a desire to learn- about all different things
Isn't overly jealous
Puts up with me
Is a good human being


My oh my how things change.

I am pretty sure that I would yield "no matches" as that is a pretty demanding list; and while I'm willing to compromise on certain things, I am not willing to settle. If you know who you are and are truly honest with what you want and need, you will never have to settle.

I think it is no coincidence that as soon as my "ideals" started to shift, I found a guy who was perfect for me. Not perfect. Perfect for me. And not because he looks a certain way or does a certain thing for a living, but because he IS a certain way.
He not only possesses what I consider to be my "big hitter" qualities but he certainly does his best at the little ones.

It is true that you do start to appreciate the little things more and more as you get older and that became increasingly salient to me last night as I neatly and securely folded the inside bag of my cereal box and closed the tab at the top. I couldn't help but think- Matt, would totally appreciate this!

I'll Be Back...

Oh those famous words once uttered from the once-beloved Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Sometimes when I lose my way in life, I feel like my mind always know's that "i'll be back" or "i'll get back" but sometimes it is just so hard to have that optimistic thinking- especially when you are constantly re-playing negative past moments. About a year or so ago, I became much more aware of perhaps the most ill-serving quality or habit that I possess- ruminating. I have spent more time ruminating about things that have happened in the past than I would like to admit. But let's say a lot. Like a lot a lot. Like so much so that I think if I were a superhero I would be deemed "The Ruminator" with my special powers being the ability to spend countless hours focusing on bad feelings and experiences from the past- not so super or heroic.

In case you were wondering, rumination is a way of responding to distress that involves repetitively (and passively) focusing on the symptoms of distress, and on its possible causes and consequences. It is similar to worry except rumination focuses on bad feelings and experiences from the past, whereas worry is concerned over potential bad events in the future.

Having realized this about myself, I said to myself "cut this shit out"- when that didn't work- I realized it would have to be a more strategic and often intervention.
First thing's first- I had to start employing the skills I teach to others- like thought stopping or intentional thinking. When my mind wants to dwell on something that happened- I have a plan in how I respond. Sometimes it's as simple as saying "STOP!" in mind. It's not an easy thing to do- especially when the negative experiences bring about negative or powerful emotions. The key, for me, and for others, is to acknowledge that it is out of your control now, accept that it happened, and identify something positive or neutral that has come of it. Then you can move forward- to the present. These types of skills and strategies are ones that need to be practiced and implemented on a daily basis- it's not a quick fix. I can say that although to some they may seem like subtle changes, I do feel like I have become much better at "letting it go"- whatever "it" may be. This is partly due to the fact that I have great people around me that not only listen to me, but bring me the joy that is needed to enjoy the moment and look ahead.

Like any self-improvement strategy, it takes time and there will always be set backs- but once you experience (even if only for one day) how good it feels to emotionally detach from something and move forward, you will always continue to work at it.

One thing is for certain, I am not going back to where I was... so I guess then, "I won't be back?"

Happy Place

"Go to your Happy Place" just one of the many classic quotes from the classic film Happy Gilmour which happened to be on t.v the other day. After I stopped laughing, I got to thinking- what's my "happy place?" Unfortunately, I kept coming back to a visual of a perfectly toned and tanned version of myself on a beach somewhere incredible. Happy place- absolutely! Realistic- well I used the word "perfectly" in there so clearly NO! An easily accessible happy place? Not so much. I thought, how can your happy place be somewhere you can't even get to? I started to try to think closer to home. My boyfriends cottage- a blissful haven. That too is a happy place. But again, not somewhere I can access whenever I want. Damn. Strike 2. My third happy place- again closer to home, would be my bed because I love sleep and don't get much, but if I were to retreat to that as my happy place every time I needed a break from things I may never emerge from it. Well, strike 3.

I then realized that my only option would be to understand exactly WHAT makes these places my "happy place" and try to recreate those elements when I need to get away.

1. No time contraints.
2. Nowhere to be.
3. No work to do.
4. Minimal thinking.
5. Sleep.
6. Quiet.
7. Afternoon drinking without judgement.
8. Unconventional means of exercise.
9. Warmth (i really really really love the sun, and summer, the beach, ocean, islands, etc....)

After looking at my list I realized how hard it would be to create a "happy place" or even a "happy moment" if I keep as busy as I am. Re-prioritizing and learning to say NO just may be my first steps towards creating my every day happy place.

So, just as life is a journey, not a destination, perhaps our "happy place" too requires a series of steps on a journey towards it.... unless I win the lottery, in which case you will find me at my "happy place" during "happy hour" at the pool bar every other month.

A Quickie...

This is going to be short and sweet.

If there is one thing I CANNOT stand... I mean the top of the top.... it's FAKE people. We've all come in contact with them- those people who say and act one way in front of you and then different in front of someone else.

Grow up.

Be Real.

Don't Waste My Time.


At first, it's easy to get angry when a person's true colors are realized however, it's equally important to realize that their fake-ness is often the result of their personal struggle with self-confidence, self-identity, self-worth, etc... even so, I say...

Grow Up.

Be Real.

Don't Waste My Time.

End Of Story.

Wisdom From A Pizza Box

When I was in University there was an infamous pizza place at the end of my street called Pizza Express (**moment of silence**). Not only was their pizza, breadsticks, and dipping sauces life-changing (especially at 2am), their drink cups were especially formulated to double as official beer pong cups. Genius. What was more genius, the little bits of wisdom they instilled in the form of pizza box goodies. Often, we would open our pizza box to find tootsie rolls, candies, and sometimes, pizza express condoms. Yes condoms. On the packaging it said "Express Yourself, Don't Expose Yourself".

Now, as far as sex education goes, that is sound advice. But as far as general life advice, I can't completely agree. In life and in relationships, it is critical that we express ourselves to others in order to strengthen ourselves and our relationships. Sometimes in order to express ourselves, we have to expose ourselves. By "expose" I am talking about letting others see the sides of your personality or character that you aren't comfortable showing or sharing personal details that you might not be comfortable sharing. I am always amazed to think that people don't want to "break down" or "come clean" or just completely unload their feelings, fears, and concerns because they are worried that they will look weak or crazy. In actuality, the people who are able to completely expose themselves and "put it all out there" are perhaps the bravest of them all. Maybe for that moment you feel like a cry-baby, a complainer, an idiot, etc... but if you can step back and really think about it, you've stayed true to yourself and maybe brought yourself closer to your own truth and maybe even closer to the person you opened up to. In any case, exposing yourself can be a very difficult thing to do- and a very important one. You will never grow as a person or in a relationship if you can't, every once a while, expose even your deepest or silliest fears, hopes, and dreams. Those who are worthy of your love and time will accept you for who you are and feel privileged to be entrusted with your feelings and thoughts.

The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Have you ever thought to yourself on a Sunday night or Monday morning, "this week is going to be hell" and then Friday evening rolls around and you find yourself thinking "I'm glad that hellish week is over"? You MUST be psychic!! Nope- False. The only reason your week actually turned out to be hell is because you told yourself it was going to be at the beginning of the week. There was no truth to the statement "this week is going to be hell" until you made it come true. This is an example of the self-fulfilling prophecy.

Robert Merton, a 20th century sociologist, actually coined the term of self-fulfilling prophecy. In his definition, in the book Social Theory and Social Structure published in 1949, the prophecy or prediction is false but is made true by a person’s actions. In the modern sense the prophecy has neither false nor true value, but is merely a possibility that is made into probability by a person’s unconscious or conscious actions.

I must admit, I am my own victim of the self fulfilling prophecy often times. If I tell myself I am not good enough then I constantly feel that way. Knowing that I can easily succumb to such a phenomenon, I've become more conscious and aware of the messages I am sending myself. Perhaps selfish, but sometimes you just have to focus on yourself before others. I have found that the more I focus on all that I have done, instead of all that I should have or could have done, I am more at peace with myself. I have not "cured" myself-not even close. But I can tell the difference since I have begun listening more closely to my hearts reactions instead of my heads reaction. While definitely grasping the idea of feeding myself good energy helps to expel good energy, I still find myself thinking negative thoughts and then believing them.

Why??

Well, as you know, this life is not meant or designed to go at it alone- we have to coexist with others. The more 'others' there are, the more perceptions and thoughts come into the picture. It is very possible that others' words, actions, thoughts, and perceptions of you lead you into self-fulfilling behaviors. If you're constantly told you're not good enough, or you're stupid, or you're unhappy you begin to take on that role- consciously or unconsciously. It is often the case that we are told that we are "this way" or "that way" by someone who claims they are not "that way". For example, if someone tells you that you are always negative, they are projecting their negative thought onto you and, more often than not, you become more negative, act more negative, or just feel crappy!

Just as other's perceptions of you can affect the way you think about yourself- your perceptions of others can affect the way you relate to them. Your relationships can be affected when you believe that a certain person is incapable or chronically unwilling to meet your expectations. You will proceed to treat that person accordingly, destroying any possibility of a trusting and mutually respectful relationship with him or her. This can happen both on in personal and professional relationships. In either case, the self-fulfilling prophecy causes considerable and often irreparable damage.

The way to prevent self-fulfilling prophesies is simple: don't make any negative predictions at all. Any kind of pre-judgment of events and people (including your self) should be strictly avoided. Easier said than done! I have been working very hard at something I call "notice and ease"- I notice the negative thought, and try to ease myself away from it...and perhaps towards a positive one. It's NOT easy. I repeat it is NOT NOT NOT easy. Sometimes swearing feels so much better.

Something so simple like a thought can have so much power over us. Do what you can to disinfect your own thoughts and try not to get hung up on the thoughts of others- especially when it is negative towards or about you. I have quickly learned that once you have willingly fallen into a certain "category"-even if you don't want to be there or don't believe you belong there- it is very hard not to conform or surrender to it.

I've always been a "hard" type of person- usually getting put into categories I didn't necessary like but accepted because that was "who I was". I've begun to realize that I was letting other's perceptions about me define who I was and how I acted. I will never be that soft, touchy, feely, lovey-dovey person- it doesn't mean I don't love, feel things, or am unhappy. But, being told these things so many times, by myself and others, made me believe that maybe there WAS something wrong with me and maybe these things WERE true. Well, they're not. I know it- and that's all that really matters.

Don't let negativity- whether it be thoughts about yourself, thoughts about others, or judgements of you by others, dictate the day you'll have, the person you are, and the life you live. YOU dictate You.

My Stanley Cup Standouts

The conn smythe is great but I'd like to present my Stanley Cup Awards...

1. The B.A.M.F award goes to...Duncan Keith- because you don't need no teeth

2. The Ivan Drago award goes to....Chris Pronger- because size isn't all that matters

3. The Hottest Loser award goes to....Jeff Carter- because hottness makes you less of a loser

4. The Hottest Winner award goes to...Patrick Sharp- because victoriassecret picked him and so should you (and he's canadian)

5. The Juvie award goes to...Patrick Kane- because being a delinquent only makes you better

6. The Chewbacca Award goes to...Scott Hartnell- because shampoo now comes in vats

7. The Amish-Chops Award goes to....Jonathan Toews- because beards aren't for children

8. The Mr. Non-Congeniality Award goes to...Adam Burish- because losers already feel like idiots (but I still love the guy!)

9. The Beard-Me-Up-Scotty Award goes to....who else- Hartnell-because there are hitchhikers with less impressive foliage

10. The Joe-Dirty-Disappointment award goes to...Daniel Carcillo- because being a jerk makes you a joke



YAY FOR SPORTS!!!!